See You Soon.

So, here's a pick me up.
This blog entry, will be happy, but also the end.
This will be the last entry I write on Epic Love Story.
It's time for a change, a new beginning.
I want to start new. To start writing new. This blog, has souly been about boys, and drama, and how my life just sucks.
The truth is, my life really doesn't suck. I just chose to let the sucky things in life, take advantage of who I was, and am right now.

So this isn't a post of anger, or giving up on the world.
This is a post, to say, See You Soon. Because goodbye is the wrong word.
So don't judge who I was/am but what I wrote. What I wrote, it all has meaning to me. Some, hurts, others, makes me smile.
But that's just a part of my path, on this Epic Story.

Sincerely,
Emilee.

Let His love be our cause.

Last Call.

Tonight's the last call for boarding.
On that train to no where near here.

Take me home to a place where no one's ear's can hear..
And hide me from this place called planet existence.

Tonight's the night that I wonder, what would it be like..?
If I wasn't here..
If I might just disappear..

When I sit here and wonder, would you notice my quick dispersion..?
Am I fast enough, to come up with a clever diversion..?

What's happened to me is so out of control.
You're not here.. You can't seriously be..
You've left, and as of now, I don't see you coming on back.

Tonight's my last call..
Please.. Don't leave me. I know that nothing will probably stop me from being forgotten.
My hearts too beaten and bruised to be wanted.

Tonight's my last call..
At an attempt of quick desperation.
To reach out to you.

WILL YOU NOTICE ME?

Tonight's my last, and final call.
When will this all change? Can it?

If you see this.. please, don't just leave me. Don't just leave those that are like me. Those that feel alone, that are left alone, that feel like they have no where else to go, but open this door. This door of self denial, self failure, self harm. Don't let them get this far.. I do not claim to be in a worse stage of matter than some of them.. But I'm not strong enough to bet back up, to beat those odds.. My self-esteem is lower than ever. My ability to trust, broken. The thoughts of myself, black, dirtied and deceitful. I know that this could seriously be the end. And no one seems to care.
That my faith has fallen to pieces, and I am at the point where I don't want to pick it up. That I've thought about leaving, and never coming back. But not in a car, or on a train. Leaving this place, for good. The people who I seem to call my friends, are more my enemies, dragging me deeper into, what seems to be, depression. Some days, I don't want to get out of bed. I want to hide from the world. One I once thrived in. Now I'm left in the abyss called planet E.
So what has happened to me?
My hearts been ripped apart and burned to pieces. My soul, has been stolen, and locked away. I am unable to get myself back. Back to when it was all OK, or better than it is now. Those thoughts, of leaving this place, and knowing, that not many would notice, or care. Especially the one's who said they'd always be there.. Those images of how much better I would, can be. I've lost all of who I really am, and do you know, where I can find her again?

So now. This is my last call, for all.

WILL YOU NOTICE ME?

Stranger.

It's just the state of affection
Just need something to cure the infection
I don't want to be your misconception
No, no, don't want to break the connection
It's just the pent up aggression
That drives me into this direction
If I had to ask just one question
"Oh no, how come they don't listen?"

I don't want to slip, I don't want to fall,
I don't want to care, or be here at all,
I don't want to crash, I don't want to burn,
I won't want to forget what I've learned

I'm a stranger that no one can see
A stranger to every part of me
I'm a stranger to all that I know
A stranger, everywhere I go

Sometimes I don't hate but I want to
Blinded by the reason I found you
It's just a feeling I get when I'm around you
Can you relate to what I'm going through?
How much farther will I get?
Man, I feel like such a moving target
how many times will I slip before I find it?
Until then I guess I'll just keep climbing

It's so hard when you're a loser
Heaven help us find our way
And it's so hard 'cause I'm a loser
Heaven help me feel okay


- Thousand Foot Krutch

Goodbye.

My heart's been torn to pieces.
My life, a shattered mess of things that never seem to cease.

What have I gotten into.
Where am I?

I think this is the end that I always talk about. Where it's over. And no one cares, and I'm actually all alone.

Anguish.

I can bet you've had those days, where change is in need. A new direction needs to be planted, with a new auto pilot, and brake pads. Today, I feel, is one of those days for me. I don't want to wake up tomorrow morning like this. Looking like this, being who I am. I just don't want to. I just can't. I need change, whether necessary or not. Today is a day that I don't want to look in the mirror and say, I like what I see. Today is not the day that I feel confident in who I am, and what I believe. The past few weeks have been those weeks, the ones that you don't know who you are anymore. What you believe seems at all but a blur, with just something that you put on, so that you're not questioned. I can say that I blame those who never asked, never noticed. But do I notice those who need to be? I can say that I blame my parents, for not being like others, to be there to strengthen and guide me. But they do in every other way.
I can bet you've had those days, where everything else just seems like a better, more liable option. To just end it. Or to cut off all communication from the outside world. Today is one of those days, where I don't follow what I believe. Where I'm told I'm a sinner, and I know it. This week is one of those weeks, again, after millions and millions, where I don't feel the push to keep going. I'm just done, and all I know how to do is give up. I need something that I seek after, something that I have that desire and passion to live for.
I am piled high with school work, pressured by the decisions that I need to make for next year's semesters, and the years to come. Do I take a year off? Or do I go straight into the real life. I am stuck, under the drama that never sleeps. Yes, Taber is the city of Drama that never sleeps. Whether it be between my youth group, family, work, or school, it never seems to stop. Questioning the very meaning of my existence, and what I'm supposed to do about it. Why am I stuck under this rock of temptation? One that I am like a salamander, and I can't get out from under it. I feel content, but I know it's wrong, and I know better. I see my friends, succeeding in what they aim for. Grabbing the goals they shoot for. So why am I doing so terrible? Why am I getting a 38 percent on a chemistry test? Why do I feel the need to tell someone that I can't give them advice on faith, because I am so low in the dumps with it? Why am I not asked as to how I'm REALLY doing? Why have I not been sat down, and pushed to get this out? Why do I have no where else to put it but here?
Tomorrow doesn't seem like much of a better day, nor does the next, or the week after that. I need that one thing that I long for, that thing that I miss so dearly, and am so desperate for.

This light bulb.. It's not bright anymore.

Bare.

What you said you wanted,
and when you showed,
you dared.
All those dark blue nights are haunted,
and nothing's left to bare.

My hands won't grasp,
at what's been left behind.
My feet they stop.
This story won't rewind.

We change, we wait.
For that fateful day.

The roses, they die
when darkness brings forth.
A new light to dread.
Something old, always left unsaid.

I won't cry for you,
This just won't do anymore
My head is its own
My heart's walked out the door.

What you said you wanted,
and when you showed,
you dared.
All those dark blue nights are haunted,
and nothing's left to bare.