Anguish.

I can bet you've had those days, where change is in need. A new direction needs to be planted, with a new auto pilot, and brake pads. Today, I feel, is one of those days for me. I don't want to wake up tomorrow morning like this. Looking like this, being who I am. I just don't want to. I just can't. I need change, whether necessary or not. Today is a day that I don't want to look in the mirror and say, I like what I see. Today is not the day that I feel confident in who I am, and what I believe. The past few weeks have been those weeks, the ones that you don't know who you are anymore. What you believe seems at all but a blur, with just something that you put on, so that you're not questioned. I can say that I blame those who never asked, never noticed. But do I notice those who need to be? I can say that I blame my parents, for not being like others, to be there to strengthen and guide me. But they do in every other way.
I can bet you've had those days, where everything else just seems like a better, more liable option. To just end it. Or to cut off all communication from the outside world. Today is one of those days, where I don't follow what I believe. Where I'm told I'm a sinner, and I know it. This week is one of those weeks, again, after millions and millions, where I don't feel the push to keep going. I'm just done, and all I know how to do is give up. I need something that I seek after, something that I have that desire and passion to live for.
I am piled high with school work, pressured by the decisions that I need to make for next year's semesters, and the years to come. Do I take a year off? Or do I go straight into the real life. I am stuck, under the drama that never sleeps. Yes, Taber is the city of Drama that never sleeps. Whether it be between my youth group, family, work, or school, it never seems to stop. Questioning the very meaning of my existence, and what I'm supposed to do about it. Why am I stuck under this rock of temptation? One that I am like a salamander, and I can't get out from under it. I feel content, but I know it's wrong, and I know better. I see my friends, succeeding in what they aim for. Grabbing the goals they shoot for. So why am I doing so terrible? Why am I getting a 38 percent on a chemistry test? Why do I feel the need to tell someone that I can't give them advice on faith, because I am so low in the dumps with it? Why am I not asked as to how I'm REALLY doing? Why have I not been sat down, and pushed to get this out? Why do I have no where else to put it but here?
Tomorrow doesn't seem like much of a better day, nor does the next, or the week after that. I need that one thing that I long for, that thing that I miss so dearly, and am so desperate for.

This light bulb.. It's not bright anymore.