Anguish.

I can bet you've had those days, where change is in need. A new direction needs to be planted, with a new auto pilot, and brake pads. Today, I feel, is one of those days for me. I don't want to wake up tomorrow morning like this. Looking like this, being who I am. I just don't want to. I just can't. I need change, whether necessary or not. Today is a day that I don't want to look in the mirror and say, I like what I see. Today is not the day that I feel confident in who I am, and what I believe. The past few weeks have been those weeks, the ones that you don't know who you are anymore. What you believe seems at all but a blur, with just something that you put on, so that you're not questioned. I can say that I blame those who never asked, never noticed. But do I notice those who need to be? I can say that I blame my parents, for not being like others, to be there to strengthen and guide me. But they do in every other way.
I can bet you've had those days, where everything else just seems like a better, more liable option. To just end it. Or to cut off all communication from the outside world. Today is one of those days, where I don't follow what I believe. Where I'm told I'm a sinner, and I know it. This week is one of those weeks, again, after millions and millions, where I don't feel the push to keep going. I'm just done, and all I know how to do is give up. I need something that I seek after, something that I have that desire and passion to live for.
I am piled high with school work, pressured by the decisions that I need to make for next year's semesters, and the years to come. Do I take a year off? Or do I go straight into the real life. I am stuck, under the drama that never sleeps. Yes, Taber is the city of Drama that never sleeps. Whether it be between my youth group, family, work, or school, it never seems to stop. Questioning the very meaning of my existence, and what I'm supposed to do about it. Why am I stuck under this rock of temptation? One that I am like a salamander, and I can't get out from under it. I feel content, but I know it's wrong, and I know better. I see my friends, succeeding in what they aim for. Grabbing the goals they shoot for. So why am I doing so terrible? Why am I getting a 38 percent on a chemistry test? Why do I feel the need to tell someone that I can't give them advice on faith, because I am so low in the dumps with it? Why am I not asked as to how I'm REALLY doing? Why have I not been sat down, and pushed to get this out? Why do I have no where else to put it but here?
Tomorrow doesn't seem like much of a better day, nor does the next, or the week after that. I need that one thing that I long for, that thing that I miss so dearly, and am so desperate for.

This light bulb.. It's not bright anymore.

Bare.

What you said you wanted,
and when you showed,
you dared.
All those dark blue nights are haunted,
and nothing's left to bare.

My hands won't grasp,
at what's been left behind.
My feet they stop.
This story won't rewind.

We change, we wait.
For that fateful day.

The roses, they die
when darkness brings forth.
A new light to dread.
Something old, always left unsaid.

I won't cry for you,
This just won't do anymore
My head is its own
My heart's walked out the door.

What you said you wanted,
and when you showed,
you dared.
All those dark blue nights are haunted,
and nothing's left to bare.

Who am I?

You're salvation, is nothing greater.
So why am I so weak. So lost without you.
I know my name. But I don't know who I am. I know I belong to you.
But where am I supposed to go. What am I supposed to do.

I don't know where my life's ended up, or why it's here right now. This place of complete and utter non-understanding. So please, how to I get away from here? I have the short, non-lasting experiences of you. But I can't remember how to keep it longer.. I'm trying so hard to get there, but it's more of an attempt at getting back and forth. I'm trying so hard to seek you, to desire you with my whole heart. Please, break my heart for what breaks yours. Everything I am. Is for your kingdom cause..

God, I miss him. I miss him so much. I miss the boy that I knew, when we could share absolutely everything with eachother. When we talked about EVERYTHING.. I want that chance back, to be his, and he be mine. To know what it's like to have someone who cares about you so much, that they would do anything for you. Except sometimes I think that neither of us were ready for something like that. No matter how much we wanted to be. But I really wanted you. To be with you.

All I want is too be in those places again. Where I'm so close to you, and I know what I'm doing for you at that point in time. Where I can have him, and have that chance.

So please.. Don't leave me here. I want to go home.
Here I am. Lord send me.

Baby, set me free.

Thought I'd moved on.
Now you've brought me right back. To this place, where I can't stand to be. So NOT free.
Stuck, wanting you. Never being allowed to.
I'd wish you'd talk to me.
Please, don't shut me out of your life..
I want nothing more than to be able to figure out what went wrong.
I admit, I was never that confident. Until the day that I realized how ready I was, and apparently..
You weren't.
I miss you.
Everyday. I think about you. Wondering, what would it have been like.
Do you do that too?
It's like I drop off the face of the earth for a certain amount of time.
But I'm brought back by the reality,
that you'd never want me again. No matter how hard I try, or how hard you tell me to.
I can't seem to cut you off..

Please. Baby set me free.

What a mess, this thing called Life.

Life.
It has it's ups and downs, but that's no reason, to stop living. That's no reason to stop loving the Lord your God.
So don't do it, and if you are. STOP. Because you won't like who you become.

I'm sick of living like this. Subject to whatever. This isn't me. I'm stronger than that.
I haven't been seeking. Desiring the Lord. You'd think that after eight weeks at a summer camp, where that's all they teach you and help you to do, I'd be a little better at it. But I'm not. I let things get in the way. I let boys, school, my struggles.

All get in the way.

But that's not who I am. I'm a beautiful girl, made in His image. He's created me for a purpose. A purpose I was throwing away, because I was mad. Upset. Pissed off.

And some how, He's still got that amazingly graceful, redeeming heart. For me. For you and me.

Oh you fill those who are empty
And rescue those in the valley
And through it all you calm my soul
Oh now you find me in my weakness
And heal the wounds of my heartache
And I worship you in spirit and truth

He's found me, in my weakest, most pathetic moments, and has healed my heartache. He's rescued me from the valley. And I praise him in spirit and truth.

I'm coming back.. <3

Oh You Bring..

Oh you bring hope to the hopeless
And light to those in the darkness
And death to life, now I'm alive
Oh you give peace to the restless
And joy to homes that are broken
I see you now, in you I'm found

And you open the door for me
And you lay down your life to set me free
All that I am will serve you Lord

Oh you fill those who are empty
And rescue those in the valley
And through it all you calm my soul
Oh now you find me in my weakness
And heal the wounds of my heartache
And I worship you in spirit and truth

And you open the door for me
And you lay down your life to set me free
All that I am will serve you Lord
And you open my eyes to see
All the wonder and awe of Christ in me
Jesus you're everything I need

All honor
All glory
All praise to you

And you open the door for me
And you lay down your life to set me free
All that I am will serve you Lord
And you open my eyes to see
All the wonder and awe of Christ in me
Jesus you're everything I need

Hillsong United - Across the Earth