Anguish.

I can bet you've had those days, where change is in need. A new direction needs to be planted, with a new auto pilot, and brake pads. Today, I feel, is one of those days for me. I don't want to wake up tomorrow morning like this. Looking like this, being who I am. I just don't want to. I just can't. I need change, whether necessary or not. Today is a day that I don't want to look in the mirror and say, I like what I see. Today is not the day that I feel confident in who I am, and what I believe. The past few weeks have been those weeks, the ones that you don't know who you are anymore. What you believe seems at all but a blur, with just something that you put on, so that you're not questioned. I can say that I blame those who never asked, never noticed. But do I notice those who need to be? I can say that I blame my parents, for not being like others, to be there to strengthen and guide me. But they do in every other way.
I can bet you've had those days, where everything else just seems like a better, more liable option. To just end it. Or to cut off all communication from the outside world. Today is one of those days, where I don't follow what I believe. Where I'm told I'm a sinner, and I know it. This week is one of those weeks, again, after millions and millions, where I don't feel the push to keep going. I'm just done, and all I know how to do is give up. I need something that I seek after, something that I have that desire and passion to live for.
I am piled high with school work, pressured by the decisions that I need to make for next year's semesters, and the years to come. Do I take a year off? Or do I go straight into the real life. I am stuck, under the drama that never sleeps. Yes, Taber is the city of Drama that never sleeps. Whether it be between my youth group, family, work, or school, it never seems to stop. Questioning the very meaning of my existence, and what I'm supposed to do about it. Why am I stuck under this rock of temptation? One that I am like a salamander, and I can't get out from under it. I feel content, but I know it's wrong, and I know better. I see my friends, succeeding in what they aim for. Grabbing the goals they shoot for. So why am I doing so terrible? Why am I getting a 38 percent on a chemistry test? Why do I feel the need to tell someone that I can't give them advice on faith, because I am so low in the dumps with it? Why am I not asked as to how I'm REALLY doing? Why have I not been sat down, and pushed to get this out? Why do I have no where else to put it but here?
Tomorrow doesn't seem like much of a better day, nor does the next, or the week after that. I need that one thing that I long for, that thing that I miss so dearly, and am so desperate for.

This light bulb.. It's not bright anymore.

Bare.

What you said you wanted,
and when you showed,
you dared.
All those dark blue nights are haunted,
and nothing's left to bare.

My hands won't grasp,
at what's been left behind.
My feet they stop.
This story won't rewind.

We change, we wait.
For that fateful day.

The roses, they die
when darkness brings forth.
A new light to dread.
Something old, always left unsaid.

I won't cry for you,
This just won't do anymore
My head is its own
My heart's walked out the door.

What you said you wanted,
and when you showed,
you dared.
All those dark blue nights are haunted,
and nothing's left to bare.

Who am I?

You're salvation, is nothing greater.
So why am I so weak. So lost without you.
I know my name. But I don't know who I am. I know I belong to you.
But where am I supposed to go. What am I supposed to do.

I don't know where my life's ended up, or why it's here right now. This place of complete and utter non-understanding. So please, how to I get away from here? I have the short, non-lasting experiences of you. But I can't remember how to keep it longer.. I'm trying so hard to get there, but it's more of an attempt at getting back and forth. I'm trying so hard to seek you, to desire you with my whole heart. Please, break my heart for what breaks yours. Everything I am. Is for your kingdom cause..

God, I miss him. I miss him so much. I miss the boy that I knew, when we could share absolutely everything with eachother. When we talked about EVERYTHING.. I want that chance back, to be his, and he be mine. To know what it's like to have someone who cares about you so much, that they would do anything for you. Except sometimes I think that neither of us were ready for something like that. No matter how much we wanted to be. But I really wanted you. To be with you.

All I want is too be in those places again. Where I'm so close to you, and I know what I'm doing for you at that point in time. Where I can have him, and have that chance.

So please.. Don't leave me here. I want to go home.
Here I am. Lord send me.

Baby, set me free.

Thought I'd moved on.
Now you've brought me right back. To this place, where I can't stand to be. So NOT free.
Stuck, wanting you. Never being allowed to.
I'd wish you'd talk to me.
Please, don't shut me out of your life..
I want nothing more than to be able to figure out what went wrong.
I admit, I was never that confident. Until the day that I realized how ready I was, and apparently..
You weren't.
I miss you.
Everyday. I think about you. Wondering, what would it have been like.
Do you do that too?
It's like I drop off the face of the earth for a certain amount of time.
But I'm brought back by the reality,
that you'd never want me again. No matter how hard I try, or how hard you tell me to.
I can't seem to cut you off..

Please. Baby set me free.

What a mess, this thing called Life.

Life.
It has it's ups and downs, but that's no reason, to stop living. That's no reason to stop loving the Lord your God.
So don't do it, and if you are. STOP. Because you won't like who you become.

I'm sick of living like this. Subject to whatever. This isn't me. I'm stronger than that.
I haven't been seeking. Desiring the Lord. You'd think that after eight weeks at a summer camp, where that's all they teach you and help you to do, I'd be a little better at it. But I'm not. I let things get in the way. I let boys, school, my struggles.

All get in the way.

But that's not who I am. I'm a beautiful girl, made in His image. He's created me for a purpose. A purpose I was throwing away, because I was mad. Upset. Pissed off.

And some how, He's still got that amazingly graceful, redeeming heart. For me. For you and me.

Oh you fill those who are empty
And rescue those in the valley
And through it all you calm my soul
Oh now you find me in my weakness
And heal the wounds of my heartache
And I worship you in spirit and truth

He's found me, in my weakest, most pathetic moments, and has healed my heartache. He's rescued me from the valley. And I praise him in spirit and truth.

I'm coming back.. <3

Oh You Bring..

Oh you bring hope to the hopeless
And light to those in the darkness
And death to life, now I'm alive
Oh you give peace to the restless
And joy to homes that are broken
I see you now, in you I'm found

And you open the door for me
And you lay down your life to set me free
All that I am will serve you Lord

Oh you fill those who are empty
And rescue those in the valley
And through it all you calm my soul
Oh now you find me in my weakness
And heal the wounds of my heartache
And I worship you in spirit and truth

And you open the door for me
And you lay down your life to set me free
All that I am will serve you Lord
And you open my eyes to see
All the wonder and awe of Christ in me
Jesus you're everything I need

All honor
All glory
All praise to you

And you open the door for me
And you lay down your life to set me free
All that I am will serve you Lord
And you open my eyes to see
All the wonder and awe of Christ in me
Jesus you're everything I need

Hillsong United - Across the Earth

Cause it could be, You and me.

A drop in the ocean. A change in the weather.
I was praying that you and me might end up together.
It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert.

But I'm holding you closer than most.. Cause you are my heaven.

You're face taunts my dreams.
Why this could be so easy, it seems.

Most nights I hardly sleep.
You're all I wish to keep.

I hope that one day, you'll see me, the way I see you.
And that we can share the things in our lives, and trust each other with them.
But now, as you sit across that classroom. I'm content with figuring out, how to get to know you.
And hoping that you want to as badly as I do..
Oh, to only have those blue eyes look into mine.
Cause I think I'm falling for you.

Will you be the fireflies to my dark night sky.

Just another typical heartbreaker.

I can't see what's before me.

But I thought you might've been involved.

You hurt me. You're still hurting me.

You told me how you felt.

But it was only an easy way out, wasn't it..?

Thought that I'd forget, and move on. Change my mind.

Well I haven't. I can't.

Because something about the way you look at me, or laugh. Or those simple moments we share, that may not be the same for you. But those moments, are the ones where I believe this could change.

But I can't possibly be that stupid.

Why did I believe. In everything that was put in front of me.

Because now, it all seems fake. Untrue, and full of devision.

So I hope, that one day you'll see, just how much I care. Or that you'll explain to me.

What happened here. What happened at that park, that made you say those things, but act differently.

Just promise me.

You will be truthful.

Honesty is all I ask for.

Sincerely,

Just another typical broken heart.

An Anonymous Letter to the maker.

I'm so tired of running.

I need to breathe.

I want to breathe you in.

This is it. This is the End.

How did I get to this place.

This place of complete depletion. This room full of lies.

How did I end up here.

In this state of complete and utter failure.

Oh God, how did I get here.

I could say I blame him, he tempted me. So it's his fault.

I could blame this world I live in.

I could hide in a corner. And have complete self pity over myself.

But I don't see that happening.

Oh God. How did I get to this place, that I thought I'd abandoned so long ago.

And now, I'm really stuck.

I've completely lost it. The urge to fight. The desire to overcome this battle.

Why is this happening. I feel so all alone.

I am the girl, clothed in garments of gold, but on the inside, I am dying.

I cry myself to sleep on the inside. Begging for a way out.

But you'd never know it would you.

I am the girl, in the tattered rags, the one tossed to the side,

because my problems are too large for this world to deal with.

But the funny thing is, I'd fit right in..

I am the girl begging for a change. But not believing in one.

I don't know where I'm at.

I can't crawl back.

I can't be forgiven.

Not this time. My second chances are over. They have had to run out by now.

I've gotten my wish I suppose.

The wanting of being shoved to the side. Forgotten, delivered from the hand of grace.

Now I'm sinking in this pit. Being pulled violently under. And fast.

Is there no one to rescue me..?

I feel the loss of your name. The meaning, the desire, the love.

But this, cannot possibly be true.

Everything I know, all of who I am.

Is within you.

It cannot disappear this fast.

This happens every time.

Every time I fall, I feel ugly. Worthless. Like there's no way out. No meaning.

And I beg. Every time. To be taken back, to be forgiven. Loved and have it all forgotten.

But this has to be the end.

I cannot be picked up again. I've become to heavy. Overwhelmed with destruction and failure.

Please. I beg of you. Don't throw me to the street, oh, not just yet God.

Show me the meaning. Of who I am, and why I'm going through this.

Let someone ask me. Push me to be truthful. Not to hide this any longer.

This is it,

this is the end.

A belt of Uncertainty.

I'm not sure.

What to think. Or where to go.

Where to hide. Or what to say.

God, this can't truly be this difficult can it?

I see what I'm learning. Patience. Honesty.

But even though, all that I want to see, is you.

Where I want to be, is in your arms.

What I want to see, are those blue eyes, smiling down at me.

That sweater you wear. The way you laugh, at my incompetent jokes, or attempts we shall call them.

I wish with all that I am, for this to be real.

For what I've been told, the stories I've begun to unfold.

For this fairy tale, to take me away.

I've got a King. I am His daughter.

But one day, the Princess, must find someone right? The King, must give her the Prince.

God, please let this be it.

Please, let this be the time it all changes.

God, give me the strength . To accept what I cannot render, or change.

And to accept, that you've got a plan. And I'll never be able to render that one.

The only exception.

Have I ever told you.

Darling, you are. The only exception.

You've got the eyes.

And I've got the lies. Let's hold this together.

Hold back words. It's been forever.

This is a lovely hand to hold.

The weather, it's oh so cold.

All this feels like nonsense.

Am I losing my conscience?

This nightmare,

will it really unfold?

I can't stand this.

I hate the way I feel, I feel tonight.

This just isn't right.

You've got the eyes.

And I've got the lies.

Let's hold this together.

Hold back words. It's been forever. Please. Don't hold back.

All that's about to make me crack.

Just tell me,

all you've ever wanted to.

Because as of now.

There's no reason not to.

And you've got the eyes.

And I've got the lies.

Let's hold this together.

And let's not hold back these words.

It's been forever.

Darling, you are. The only exception.

It's worth the call.

Dear Three rounds and a fourth.

It's not that hard to see. That I like you, and you like me.

So stop making me wait.

Come on over.

Don't be afraid to jump.

I'll take your hand.

Sincerely,

Dreamer with a card.

Come as you are. He's the one you need.

She's picking them up.

Piling them in her hands.

These chains, these rags, dripping red they hang.

They pile above her.

But she manages. She manages to walk,

like nothing's wrong.

Like it's all beneath her.

She peeks through them.

Walking through the crowds.

But for some reason, through her agonizing expression

her tear streaked, blood stained face,

she draws no attention.

"No one cares, I know that." She says.

And all of the sudden, she falls.

She's been tripped.

She looks up, only to see him standing there.

"Why hello my child." He says in a soft, acid filled whisper.

"Here I have things for you." And he piled more rags, and chains.

"These are what you've been dropping and leaving behind."

She could feel the sensation of a burning fire inside her. But there were no words for her to describe it. Tears filled her eyes. And she collapsed.

All of the sudden, she felt a tight grasp around her arm.

"Oh what now, do you have more for me to carry? Can't you see this is already to much?" She sobbed quietly.

But there was no response.

He helped her up. With nothing in her arms, and he began to pick it up. All of it.

"W-W-What are you doing?"

"I'm carrying you through. My child, my beloved. I love you."

She fell to her knees in awe, and in humility. The one she longed for, the one she could never find. Had found her, and rescued her. But she couldn't actually let Him take all of that pain, that anguish.

That Sin.

"No, you can't do this. This is too much to carry."

But before she knew it, He had thrown the chains over His shoulders

And draped the rags on his arms.

She couldn't control it. This feeling she had, that burning fire within her. It was a desire to be loved, to be rescued. To be saved.

"My child, lift your shaking hands. Don't say a word. I'll stay with you. The tears will heal

the pain. You shouldn't be ashamed to come undone. And fall down. And let me carry you. I'll carry you. You can come, as you are. You can never fall to far. You can run, into my arms. And I will heal your broken heart."

Man down.

I just feel so done.

Like when you're lost and tired and out of everything you have,

and you fall to the ground and give up.

I'm there. I'm on the dirt with nothing left,

it's pouring, and its dreary,

dreary and dark.

I feel like there's no way back.

Like all doors and windows are closed,

like all freeways and back alleys have

road blocks.

I've tried so hard.

So hard.

But I'm just a broken mess now.

I'm in pieces,

I've felt so strong before, now I feel so weak.

I know you want to help.

Everyone seems to,

but it seems that the one person that I should have helping me,

I constantly push away

I'm here again.

A thousand miles away from you. A broken mess,

just scattered pieces of who I am. I

tried so hard. Thought I could do this on my own.

I've lost so much along the way.

I don't know how. I

just wish I could have a ladder right now.

A flashlight.

A candle.

I think I've given up on all hope of a rescue.

Man down.

Watery Grave.

My ship.

It's down.

The sails.

They don't fly in the wind.

And I'm here. To stay.

I've lost dock. I can't find my way.

My oar, it's snapped.

My compass. Demagnetized.

I need your voice.

Oh, tell me you're here.

When I start to jump.

You jump in to save me.

God I'm crying out to you. Help me.

Cause I can't set myself free.

The waves, their crashing over me.

I need your guidance God.

Take my life, and make it yours.

I need your voice.

You're who I'm counting on.

Tell me you're here.

That you will watch over me.

I need your voice.

Take hold of my heart.

Show me you I pray.

Give me the words to say.

But I still feel stuck on this abandoned ship.

Am I going to fall into this grave?

This

Watery Grave.

Last compromise.

I never understood this.

I never knew why.

Those looks we say.

The words we see.

I'll never truly understand me.

To rise.

To love again.

To fall.

In hopes of a new beginning.

I remember what you told me.

I and Love and You.

God I'm begging you. Help me see...

"Hope is what we crave. And that will never change"

-Crave - Joel and Luke

6.797.000.000.

The bench.
It's cold.
Her heart.
It's locked.

That night.
It's dark. Dreary. Lonesome.
Her eyes.
They're wet.

Her cheeks.
They burn.
She's only looking for one thing.
A new way.
To turn.

That bathroom.
It reeks.
Those walls.
They're unseeing.

The words.
Unloving.
Her thoughts.
They never leave.

Her numbness.
Only seething.
She's never felt.
What it's really like.

To not be alone.
On that dreary night.

So help her out.
Out of that room.
That dark and cold and
weary room.

Take her hand.
Show her love.
Show her it's from God above.

TWLOHA<3

Running in circles.

Why do I feel like this. My hands shake, my heart races. My head is sent spinning.

Watching you play piano and guitar...I melt. All over again.

I know I said I wouldn't do this again.. Trust me. I'm not. Atleast I don't think I will.

I promised you I wouldn't. So that's a promise I'm going to try to keep.

I constantly pray about it.

What am I supposed to do God. What am I supposed to say, where am I supposed to go.

But yet I can't ever get you out of my head. But is this just me wanting something because I feel like I need it?

Something that's just in my head for no reason of anything, anything at all.

Or is it real. Am I supposed to act upon what I'm not sure of.

Of all the people I've told. Of all the times I've gone back and forth. Where do I go now.

Back or forth?

What if I do, and you go away next year. What if I'm asked to be that special occasion's special date? What if you break up with me like you did her. Because of some other girl.

It's not supposed to be like this. I said no. I can't go back now. But I can't move forward wither. You never could talk to my face. Prove to me, how you really felt. Most guys are like that.

At least the ones that made my heart melt.

Now as I say goodbye, to what is wrong but feels so right. Or what is right, but is so wrong. I'll never tell you, because that's just how it is. I made a promise, and I need to learn to keep it.

So here's to the future. A future without you.

How to save a life.

I never knew.
I never knew that everyone was falling through.

I see you waiting over there, alright lets move.
We're falling faster than anytime before.
It's true.

But I know that he's brought us through.

Immediatly I feel helpless and weak.
But your love never fails.

I'm uncertain of the future.
Uncertain
If all my dreams are going to come true.
Or come crashing down.

These weakest moments.
They become our defining moments.

Nothing can seperate us..
Even if I ran away
Your love never fails.

You know I'll fail.
You've seen me fall.
Time and Time again.

When the oceans rage. And I fall in.
Your love never fails.




God whispers to us in our pleasures.
He talks to us in our confidence.
But He shouts to us in our pain.
It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.
-C.S Lewis